JAP: Jamaican American Princess

JAP (Noun, slang): Acronym for Jewish American Princess. A pampered young Jewish woman, especially one who takes material advantages for granted.

Danielle is one of my daughter's best friends and a young lady whom we have known for seventeen years who has been an integral part of our extended family.  Danielle is not Jewish. She is of Jamaican heritage and a proud Christian (she pronounces it as Crist-ee-ahn). As she is such an integral part of our family we felt compelled to ease her into our Jewish traditions. Mind you that we never had any intention of converting her from her religion to ours but the Jewish tradition is one of education and allowing it's followers to choose their own path of spirituality. Danielle was anxious to learn our traditions and proved to be an outstanding student. Before we knew it Danielle became a JAP. A Jamaican American Princess.

Since she was little she had participated in our Passover seder and has read the Hagadah, ate matzoh, dipped her herbs twice and polished off enough maror (pureed apples, figs, dates and nuts mixed with honey and concord grape wine) to effectively block up her kishkes (intestines). On Hanukkah she learned to love potato latkes and fried dough (I can't spell the Hebrew name but they are akin to Italian zeppoles) covered with powdered sugar. Little did we know that Danielle would embrace our traditions to the level that she did.

Danielle's education in Jewish tradition started innocently enough. We explained the holidays, we introduced her to Jewish fare and taught her a few Yiddish words. We probably went too far when we told her that Jesus was Jewish. She was aghast when we told her this she said "No way. Jesus was Christian. Like Christ as in Christ-ian". We explained that he was the son of Joseph and Mary who were Jewish and before Christ there were no Christians. We further explained to her that Christianity is derived from the name, Christ. Danielle went home and confronted her mother who did confirm this.

A week later Danielle came over and asked to learn more. She said since Christ was a Jew than Judaism is in her heritage as well and would like to know more. She asked how she could be more Jewish. We were amused and eagerly taught her everything we knew about Judaism (which isn't much). We told her that in order to act like a Jew you must always answer a question with a question. We also told her that she must master the ability to make everyone around her feel guilty and master the art of being a pampered princess.

A month or so passed and Danielle's mother called and asked what we did to her daughter. Apparently Danielle came home from school and this conversation ensued:

"How was school today?"

"How should it be? School is school" she responded.

"Did you get to school on time?"

"Time, shmime. What does it matter"

"What is wrong with you? I never saw you act like this".

"Oy vay[i]. Stop being an alter cocker[ii] mother".

We were mortified. How did this harmless lesson get so out of hand? We apologized and informed her that this is probably a passing phase and Danielle will get this out of her system. The next week Danielle came over for the weekend. She looked somewhat forlorn.

"What's going on Danielle. How do you feel?"

"How should I feel? I walked here from the bus stop and my feet are killing me a bissel[iii]. But it's not that bad a bi gezunt[iv]".

"Danielle, I spoke to your mother and think that we must have a talk."

"Later. I am famished I had lunch at school today and couldn't eat any of that chazerei[v]. It was drek[vi] I tell you. Pure unadulterated drek! The school doesn't serve latkes or matzoh balls. I was all fermisht[vii]."

"Ok. We'll eat first."

"Wait. Let me finish.   Reverend Smith came to the lunch room and asked me what the problem was. I told him that if they don't start serving decent kosher food at this school I will have a meesa masheena[viii]. The Reverend looked at me like I was meshugge[ix]".

"Danielle, you go to a Catholic school. They don't serve kosher food".

"And I ask... Why not? It's a shanda[x]."

The weekend continued this way. Danielle was spewing out Yiddish words and phrases that to this day I still do not understand. It finally got to the point that we could not sit back and do nothing. We made a horrible mistake bringing Danielle into our world and for the sake of her family and Judaism we had to correct this situation. We sat Danielle down on the couch and had an intervention. 

"Danielle. We made mistake".

"Vus machs da[xi]?"

"Remember when we told you that Christ was Jewish?"

"Why shouldn't I remember that? You think maybe I am senile?

"I was wrong. Christ wasn't Jewish. I lied to you."

"What's all this mishegoss[xii]. Why are you telling me this?"

"Danielle. You are Christian, your parents are Christian."

"But you have great food! You have Rabbi Akiba[xiii] and the parting of the Red Sea".

"You have that too. The Old Testament is part of the Christian heritage as well".

"But you have such cool and descriptive words. If I can't use them I won't be able to communicate effectively".

"Ok. Danielle. I didn't want to say this but you forced my hand. I spoke to the council of Jews and they don't want you."

"There is no such thing. I know what you are doing. This is a test of my faith. Did I pass?"

I wasn't getting anywhere with this line of reasoning. It had then hit me...

"Danielle, Jews don't get Christmas presents!"

"Why didn't you tell me this months ago! This is such a stupid religion."

Danielle went home that Sunday evening and gave up heavy malaga wine and matzoh for sacramental wine and communal biscuits. We have learned our lesson. The Judaic tradition is too powerful a concept for the uninitiated. In the future we will keep all of the good stuff like kishke[xiv], matzoh brie[xv] and the epic discussion of the great rabbinical scholars at the Sanhedrin to ourselves. Knowledge can be a dangerous thing in the wrong hands.

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[i] "Oh, how terrible things are"

[ii] Old fart

[iii] A little

[iv] "As long as your healthy"

[v] Junk

[vi] Shit

[vii] befuddled, confused

[viii] horrible death

[ix] Crazy

[x] A shame

[xi] "What's the matter?"

[xii] Craziness

[xiii] Rabbi Akiba was a politically powerful scholar and teacher who was  a hero and activist who suffered a terrible martyr's death. We honor him at our family's passover seders.

[xiv] Kishke is the Jewish version of the Scottish Haggis. It is made with the intestinal lining of a sheep stuffed with bread crumbs, vegetables and chicken fat and then baked. Yum.

[xv] Matzoh soaked in eggs and milk and sauteed with butter. Salt and pepper to taste, It is usually eaten with jelly or sugar.