2012 - The End of the World

December 21, 2012. It is foretold that the life as we know it will come to an end on that date. Nostradamus had predicted this as many others have as well.  There are many signs that are pointing to this inevitable event.

There was an earthquake in Virginia and hurricane Irene nearly hit New York last summer, the El Nino phenomena was discovered ten years ago as was the hole in the ozone layer.  Newt Gingrich is leading the polls while real newts and frogs are disappearing. The New York Islanders won three games in a row.  Basketball season almost didn't start.  If these signs are not harbingers of dark things to come, I don't know what is.

I, for one, am really concerned this time around. I have noticed the flying patterns of the geese flying south this year. I have counted the chirps of crickets and found that the staccato of their chirps is off by one chirp per minute. Postage stamps stick to my tongue when I lick them. Yes, I am an observer of the arcane. Most normal people do not notice these minute changes in the universe. I am proud to admit that I am not normal by any means.

I had a dream once.  In the dream I was a little bushy tailed squirrel foraging for nuts and berries. I was cute and fluffy and hopped around the woods in a wavy motion. The other forest animals asked me where I was going to store my nuts and berries. I realized that unless I hid them properly the others would take it when my back was turned. So I decided to eat all of the nuts and berries. I kept eating them and as a result got fatter and fatter so I could no longer fit into the hole in the tree.

I realize now that this is why I am overweight. I have been preparing myself for this moment, When the end of the world finally comes all of the skinny people will die of malnutrition. I will be in a position to outlast them all. The joke is on you skinny person.  The only shortcoming to this plan is if they try to run after me before they succumb to their hunger. Believe it or not I am not a fast runner. But I have a plan for this as well. I will carry a bag of celery which I can throw on the ground to create a diversion so that I may escape. Skinny people love celery.

Von Donnekan has theorized that we have been visited by extraterrestrial beings many times in the past. They were responsible for the Nazca lines in Peru, the building of the pyramids in South America and Egypt and the excavation of the Grand Canyon. He also pointed out that many ancient drawings show godly beings wearing space suits and helmets. This leads to the most compelling evidence that the world will cease to exist in 2012. It was noted that the Mayan calendar ends December 20, 2012. If anybody knows calendars it's the Mayans! They even went so far as carving the calendar in stone rather than shiny paper stock to ensure that someone would be able to read it in 900 years.

Let's fast forward to the twenty first day of December 2012.

A boulder was unearthed in Prospect Park that was deposited there by a great glacier during the last ice age period 16,000 years ago. On the boulder were marks similar to the Nazca lines found in Peru, It was interpreted by scientists and religious leaders that the end of the world as predicted by the Mayan Calendar would start not in Peru, but Prospect Park in Brooklyn.

Thousands of pilgrims from all over the world arrive at the great meadow of Prospect Park. Thousands of cars and buses are lined up on Flatbush Avenue and Eastern Parkway hopelessly trying to get to the Park. Many investing their life savings to make this final pilgrimage. Hawkers are selling End of the World T-Shirts with Peter Griffin mooning God and Revelation T shirts of God mooning Peter Griffin. Falafel and hot dogs are being sold by street vendors for twenty dollars each, There are mimes, musicians and religious zealots playing the crowds as well as high wire, juggling and explosives expert Dexter Tripp. Kids are break dancing and smoking pot that they stole from the Brooklyn Botanical Garden's medicinal herb exhibition across Flatbush Avenue..

Someone looks up and points to the Sun and shouts.  The daylight starts to fade as a  circle of blackness at first small begins to grow and begins to block out the Sun. A hush falls over the multitudes. A child begins to whimper and a hipster starts to cry. Everyone watches the growing darkness with reverent awe. Within moments there is a realization that the Sun is being blocked out by a large extraterrestrial ship that is approaching. The crowd shouts and vacates a large area as it becomes apparent where the craft is going to land. As it lands it kicks up a large cloud of dust from the arid baseball field.

After several moments the dust settles and a door opens and a ramp descends to the ground. A man in a golden suit emerges bearing a package. He removes his helmet and appears to be human. He raises the package, smiles and says...

"Boy do I feel stupid. I was passing Alpha Centauri and realized I forgot to give you the rest of the calendar".

At that point someone shoots him and yells "Go back home alien muthafucka*.

To my friends and family, have a healthy and happy New Year!

For  readers who can't get enough of this blog and are masochistic enought to want to read it again and again and money is no object, Brooklyn State of Mind: The Whole Skaboodle - Volume I is now available as a trade paperback and can be purchased at Createspace or Amazon. At $9.95 for 56 pages (that's almost 18 cents per page) it makes a great gift.