The Dining Experience

I rarely eat out any more. I can't afford the pricy restaurants such as Four Seasons (are they actually in existence any longer?), Cirque, the Russian Tea Room or any of the establishments that cater to the rich and the beautiful. Aside from not being able to afford eating there, I don't see the point of shelling out a hundred dollars or more per person for one meal. There is nothing in the world that is that good that warrants paying that much to eat.

Fancy restaurants typically have a server and a bus boy for each table. Not including Stewart, the wine steward. I do not like being waited on. I can't stand when a restaurant server waits for me to put my napkin down so they can run over and fold it again. I am extremely uncomfortable with the fact that they are watching me eat and thinking to themselves what is a poor slob like me doing in their restaurant instead of the Burger King around the corner.

Am I being paranoid. I don't think so. Maybe a little. I like good service but this is overkill. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth and do not expect anyone to fawn over me except my wife and children and it will be a cold day in hell when that happens.

Haute Cuisine. A miniscule handcrafted construction of food tidbits on a twelve inch diameter plate with a squiggle of special sauce to make it look like a Jackson Pollack painting. Does any of the haute cuisine restaurants serve Jackson "Pollock" as a daily special? Then there are Tapas and Meze restaurants. They specialize in small plates at exorbitant prices. The Chinese have Dim Sum restaurants that are a hell of a lot more reasonable even though we are not sure what the filling is.

At the other end of the spectrum are the chain restaurants such as Applebees, Chili's, IHOP and the local diners and pizzerias. At least the food in these establishments are consistent. Consistently average. You get what you expect nothing less, nothing more. I may not be a gourmet chef but what is the point of eating out when I can cook at least as well as these restaurants. I have always felt that good service would always trump average food. And it appears that good service has gone the way of bi-partisanship in Congress.

What do I consider good service? When I walk into a restaurant I like the host to smile, be pleasant and bring me to a seat. I like a seat that is roomy and not a booth which I have to hold my breath and shove my girth between the table and the back of the seat. I like at least two feet between my table and the adjoining table so I don't have to wear some two year old's splatter.

The server should not crouch. They are informed to lower themselves so that the customer feels like they are in a position of authority and will leave a bigger tip. When they crouch I feel like the tyrannical despot who kicks his subject into the muddy road just because he can. But I can't actually do that. It would not go over well with the police or the civil law suit that will follow.

Continuing with what I consider good service. The server should come within five minutes of my seating. He or she should smile and enunciate the daily specials in a manner which I can understand not "Like, the Tilapia, which is kind like a fish is yummy for sure. We have an awesome chicken chimichanga that, like, is totally awesome".

What are they teaching these kids in English class these days? Wow, I sound like my parents. The food should be served in a timely manner and spaced out so that I can finish the appetizer before my meal comes or better yet get the appetizer before I finish my meal.  The server should be pleasant. Not ask me how everything is when I have a mouth full of food. Isn't it peculiar that when you want the server to come over they are no wear to be found. They are actually in a corner waiting for you to shove some food into your mouth before they come over.

Server:

How's everything?
 

Me (with my mouth full):

Cnmmphgthothersmdamhh. (Can I get another soda?)

Server:

Great. Call me if you need anything. (and runs away).

Five minutes later:

Server:

Can I get you anything else?

Me:

A Diet Coke and the check.

Server:

Great. I'll be right back

Ten minutes later:

Me:

Miss, where's my soda and the check?
 

Server:

Would you like anything else?

Me:

A Diet Coke refill and the check.
 

Five minutes later:

Server:

Okay. Here's the check. Pay me when you're ready.

And give me refills of my Diet Coke before I have to ask for it. And the check without having to wait a half an hour after I finish the meal. That's not much to ask for is it?

We recently went to a pizzeria in Marine Park, Brooklyn that has always been a favorite over the past ten years. However, they expanded into the next storefront and added a beautiful dining area. They also expanded into Manhattan and Staten Island. With each expansion their food has become a little less appetizing. We ordered eggplant rollatini last week. For those who do not know what that is it is thinly sliced eggplant  wrapped around a generous amount of ricotta and other cheeses and covered with sauce and mozzarella cheese.

The server brought out eggplant parmagiano, which is layered (not rolled) and with a very thin layer of cheese. My wife said I did not order this I ordered rollatini. The server and afterwards, the cook, stated that this is the way they make eggplant rollatini now.  We weren't born yesterday. Rollatini means rolled. If you don't have it don't insult us with a lame excuse. Needless to say we will not be returning to this restaurant as there are approximately a thousand other pizzerias in Brooklyn clamoring for our patronage.

Thirty one years ago on our honeymoon we went to a seafood restaurant in Provincetown, Massachusetts and ordered steamed clams. We waited and waited for the steamed clams to be served and the waiter said they are currently being prepared. She brought out our clam chowder, then the main course. We told her not to bother with the clams. Finally as we finished eating, the steamed clams were served. We told her that we are not paying for the steamers and she said but you ordered them. We asked her to bring the manager over and he also stated that we ordered them and have to pay for them. We ordered them as an appetizer and not as dessert. As this was our honeymoon and I didn't want to end up in an altercation which may have ended up with me in jail I paid for the clams but did not leave a tip which would have been more than the steamers. I would have preferred to not pay for the steamers and not leave a tip as well.

A few years ago a law went into effect stating that all restaurants with at least five locations within the borders of New York City must post the caloric content of the meal. When this law came out I went to Applebees and found that a bacon cheeseburger with French fries has between 1200 and 1500 calories. The Tilapia with broccoli has only 400 but I prefer not to eat fish. A 7 ounce sirloin steak and rice has around 800 so now I order steak instead of a hamburger. The burger is $9.99. The steak is $17.99, half the calories at twice the price. I think I have had maybe four hamburgers in the past three years. I now make better choices. Or I can go to a restuarant in an outlying county with no disclosure laws and have a burger with zero calories.

Why haven't I lost any weight? My wallet has.

How hard is it to cook a steak? Throw a steak and a potato on a plate, liberally apply salt and pepper,  stick it in the microwave for eight minutes. Voila. A gourmet meal the same quality you get at the local restaurant. Who needs the CIA (Culinary Institute of America)?

I would have you believe that the food in New York City is horrible. Just go a hundred miles upstate. My daughter was attending college and Ilana ordered a grilled cheese and bacon sandwich at the loical diner. The bread was cold and the cheese never melted. She called the server over and told her it wasn't cooked properly. She rolled her eyes and took the plate and five minutes later brought it back. The cheese was melted, the bread dried out, the lettuce, tomato and cole slaw were hot as well. She put the entire plate in a microwave to heat it up. I would assume the sandwich met the floor at one point as well.

This is why I prefer not to eat out any longer. I find the food sub-standard, the quality poor and the service deplorable. I now bring my own lunch to work as I think I had food poisoning three times the first year I worked at my current location.

I go out with expectations of a good meal only to have these hopes dashed into a million pieces by the time the check arrives. My kids say I am a cranky old man. If righteous indignation  is cranky than so be it.

Before I end my diatribe I cannot conclude without mentioning that Brooklyn's renaissance has added hundreds of great new restaurants in Williamsburg, Greenpoint, Brooklyn Heights, Park Slope. Even though I prefer not to eat out often, I am in the minority. My problem is that the neighborhood I reside in and surrounding neighborhoods are average with average dining options. Kings Plaza Mall, the only enclosed mall in Brooklyn and the largest in the city is the probably the only mall in the country without a sit down restaurant. There are exciting restaurants in the trending neighborhoods. When I do go to these restaurants I am pleased. Expensive does not mean a great dining experience. Uniqueness and the drive of the entrepreneurs  to excel makes a great dining experience.

Back to dinner, how many minutes does it take to microwave a steak to medium rare?