The Grand Jury

I recently had the privilege to serve as foreman of the Kings County Grand Jury for two weeks. On the first day the Warden had reviewed our juror cards and asked me if I would like to serve as foreman. Obviously the warden instantly was able to see the leadership qualities that I exude. Either that or when I told him I had worked for the Housing Authority for nearly 26 years he figured I was a glutton for punishment. In actuality, I threw a tantrum, stomped my feet and cried " I wanna be foreman!" and held my breath until he agreed.

On the first day of actually sitting on the jury the warden informed me that I will be sitting in the seat normally reserved for the judge all the way up in the podium. Now, I have no problem going before an audience, friendly or hostile, but this was somewhat uncomfortable. All I could see where 22 other jurors looking at me probably thinking why would anyone volunteer for this. So there I am sitting way up in nosebleed territory with plastic sleeved cheat sheets detailing what I have to say and do. I knew that this position of leadership would be a thankless and difficult job so I selflessly took the responsibility in order for my fellow jurors could concentrate on their responsibility in assessing evidence and testimony and making a fair and unbiased decision when we voted.

Not only did I get to sit in the judge's chair, I got to swear in the witnessess and defendants, remind them that they were under oath when they returned to the bench, sign the indictments, announce the verdict and had the opportunity to remind one defendent's counsel that she was an observer and not allowed to participate, twice! I also got to play with the microphone and play the Indiana Jones theme song on the PA.

During the two weeks we had seen an almost endless procession of Assistant District Attorneys (ADAs), witnesses and defendants. It has come to my attention that all the male ADAs were handsome and dashing and the female ADAs were gorgeous. I thought to myself, self, who would I cast for each of the ADAs if we could make a TV series of Grand Jury. Dennis Quaid, Goldie Hawn and Meg Ryan would be ideal, if they were thirty years younger. After I got through this fantasy I realised that the show would probably be cancelled before we even filmed the pilot. Contrary to what you may believe (and I am sure that you already do not believe this) Grand Jury is boring!

What I found most interesting was the fact that nearly all of the police officers giving testimony get really nervous before the eyes of the grand jurors. These officers confront some of the worst examples of the population, in seedy and dangerous areas, putting their lives on the line every second that they work, and put them before the jurors you can almost feel their urge to take flight.

After watching the ADAs work I figured I could do this with my eyes closed. All I need to do is spend $140,000 at the Brooklyn Law School for their part-time program and 7 to 8 years of my life and I can be up there orating before a grand jury and getting indictments and eventually becoming a judge. Of course by the time I finish I will be 65 years old and $140,000 in debt which will probably not be paid back before I passed on to that great court room in the sky.

Technically, you don't have to be an attorney to become a United States Supreme Court Justice so I still have an outside chance of getting to sit on the bench again. Watching all ninety versions of Law and Order and reading John Grisham novels will have to suffice for now.