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Until now.
Due to my unimpeachable background and reputation I feel
quite confident that whatever I propose in this essay will be accepted by you,
the reader, as a legitimate observation that will stand up to the weight of my
observances. And as all who are familiar with me I carry a lot of weight. An
air of authority as you will. Intelligence and impeccable wit. Yadda yadda.
The Fairer Sex: A Treatise on Womanly Values in Today's Society
Two is a Crowd
I have always known that men and women are different. Yes,
women are pretty and cute and men are rugged and hairy, or is it the other way
around? Aside from the physical difference there is an emotional difference and
deeper than that there is a primal difference. This is a trait programmed into
the cerebral cortex part of the brain of every woman living today.
Whether a woman is aware of this or not it exists in each and every one of them. Every
husband, boyfriend or significant other can attest to this to another man. They may not admit
it face to face to their woman but they know. A woman by nature is the Queen
of her domain. By domain I mean that wherever a woman is the radius of 100 feet
from her is her domain.
A man or child can enter this domain with impunity but when
another unrelated woman of child bearing age enters that circle, the queen will
be courteous and accommodating on the conscious level, but in the primal brain
stem level she wants to rip the throat out of her potential adversary and feed her
carcass to the vultures after kicking it around for a while. This idea was originally documented in the London Scientific Journal in the late 1800s as the Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (see note).
To wit, In an office setting with one woman and the rest all
men there are never any problems. This is an harmonious office where work
carries on at a normal pace, people smile and look forward to coming to work
each day. Throw another woman into the mix and as sure as the chicken follows
the egg you can feel tension in the office so thick you can cut it with a
knife. Put a third woman in the room and an unspoken alliance will be made
between the first and second women to figuratively and sometimes literally scratch the eyes out of the
interloper before they go back to their prior rivalry.
Now let us pursue a scientific poll. By a show of hands, how
many people agree with me on this idea?
Let's see... 1... 2... 3...4...5... Okay. No need to count any further as all but
one of you are in agreement.
My wife thoroughly disagrees with my thoughts on this
subject. But she doesn't see what I see. Ilana is the loveliest, nicest, sweetest and most
accommodating person that I have ever known. Whenever another woman is around
she gets visibly defensive, curt and unforgiving. You could see her neck muscles
tighten, her hands open and close like a tiger testing out her claws before she
pounces on an antelope. Her pupils dilate and focus on her potential victim. She
starts to bare her teeth ever so slightly. If we are in a store I pray for the
clerk to be accurate and to exhibit paramount customer service. Because if she
doesn't I am very, very afraid of what may happen to her. I will always try to
find a line with a male clerk for this reason even if it is twice as long as
the surrounding lines.
Admiration
Women will look at other women at a distance and comment how
beautiful the other woman is or how beautiful her clothes and make-up are. What
they are really thinking is "you
may be beautiful now but in twenty years your boobs and butt will fall, you'll
have jowls and have to resort to sub-standard hair coloring".
Men do not look at other men and comment " Wow, he is a
handsome dude" or "Look how
beautiful he dresses and those shoes are to die for". Men don't do this
with the sole exception of the men on the Jersey
Shore
Ilana has always given me permission to look at an
attractive women with the proviso that I can never, never touch. This is fair
enough, but I have never had the courage to take her up on this offer when she
is with me. There are too many news stories depicting the creative use of super
glue, knives and scissors to ever consider displaying a wandering eye. If I
look it will be with the fleetest of glances through the corner of my eye.
The Supermarket: Life in the Slow Lane
When men go shopping with a list they reach out to the
product, pick out the cheapest one and throw it into the cart even if it's the wrong item. We don't look at
ingredients, we don't look at brand names. We just through it into the cart. Men
can go into the supermarket find thirty items and be out of the store within
fifteen minutes.
Women are different. They don't care about the price as long
as the item is high in fiber, has pro-biotics, low in sugar and no trans-fats.
Women are very analytical. They will study all of the ingredients and weigh the
pros and the cons before making the final selection. This process can take
about ten minutes per item. This is compounded when there are ten competing
brands to review and analyze.
To make matters worse, women will park their shopping cart
right in the middle of the aisle so that no one can pass on either side. You
can say "Excuse me" till your face turns blue but a woman's ability
to process what you are saying at that time will not compute as her brain is in
full Food Analysis Mode, that's FAM for short.
If you are lucky her husband will be there and he will move
the cart, especially because he is bored standing around with nothing to do but
wait while his wife is in FAM. As he moves the cart he will give you a look and
shrug that silently says " I am so sorry for my wife's rude behavior"
and I will give him the silent shrug sign in return that says "No need to
apologize. We (men) are in this together".
This unconcious need to block aisles does not only apply to humans. My dog, Lady, will find
the narrowest area of a room to park herself. You can have a whole room for her
to rest in but she will without fail always be in the area that will make it
the most difficult for you to pass through. Ever notice that whenever you
follow a woman into a store they stop in the doorway to look around before they
enter? Upon leaving they will stop in the doorway to look at the receipt. Not
before or after the doorway. In the doorway.
By nature, women are in control of their domain. Men are
given permission to be there as long as it suits the woman. Many cultures have
always had matriarchal societies and they had flourished for centuries. These
societies were socially advanced. They cared as a community and took care of
the children and the elderly. Just as this trait causes competition between
women, it also allows them to coalesce in a cooperative effort to kick the butt
of any man (or group of men) who tries to usurp their authority.
With that said, I must also mention that in my home I am
King of the castle. Ilana gives me permission to say that.
Note: This essay was published with permission of my wife after promising to take her out to dinner and wash the dishes for one week. Jekyll and Hyde was not really a scientific study. It is a work of fiction by Robert Louis Stevenson. Frankenstein really happened though.
