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JJ: Good Evening, this is John Jamison reporting from the mall in our nation's capitol. Tonight we will be interviewing Rabbi Marcus Cohen, organizer of the first Million Jew March against Racism. The march has been scheduled for Sunday, December 26th, 2010 to protest the anticipated failure of Santa Claus to give gifts to the estimated 20 million jews living in the world today.
JJ: Good evening Rabbi Cohen, how are you today?
MC: How should I be? I'm freezing my kishkes off here. Couldn't we do this interview inside?
JJ: Rabbi, I understand that you are expecting one million jews to be here Sunday. That would be a remarkable feat considering the actual number of Jews residing in the country.
MC: No, not really. As in passover we can prove that the 10 plagues are actually 256,000. Therefore, 10 Jews are actually 256,000. If we get 40 to show up that is actually one million twenty four thousand.
JJ: But, to the rest of us wouldn't that seem to be only forty?
MC: What? You see what I am talking about. Jesus walks on water, has a perpetually filling wine goblet. That you believe! Hashem multiplies 40 people into over one million and you question! Well actually you may have a point there but we are expecting a sizeable group as we are serving bagels and lox right after the march. We will also be going to Atlantic City before heading back to Brooklyn.
JJ: What prompted you to organize this march?
MC: I was reading my daily prayers and I had a thought and called out to Sadie, my wife. Sadie! you know what that nice italian family is getting for Christmas? What? She said. A brand new Cadillac. And you know what I got for Hanukkah last week? What? she said. A pair of argyle socks. They are nice argyle socks, but they are most definitely not a Cadillac.
JJ: I don't get your point.
MC: What's not to get? I am the one not to get. This is America, land of the free, land of equal opportunity. Everyone is equal. So why does Santa give the Christian family a brand new $40,000 car and I get a $3.00 pair of argyle socks? Because Santa is a rascist!
JJ: You do realize that Santa is make believe. No body over the age of six actually believes there is a Santa Claus.
MC: Now you tell me? What am I going to do with all those bagels?
JJ: Well, thank you Rabbi. This is John Jamison reporting from the mall.
Meanwhile, somewhere near the north pole:
SC: Ho, Ho, Ho! Hey shrimp, get me my list!
Elf: Here Santa.
SC: Did you check it?
Elf: Twice.
SC: Twice, huh. Barry Levine, is on this list. Isn't Levine a Jewish last name?
ELF: Uh, yea.
SC: How many times have I told you that I do not want any Jews, Muslims and Zoroastrians on this list? I should kick your keyster down the stairs, ya little bastard!
ELF: Please don't beat me again Santa!
To all of my Christian Friends, Merry Christmas! To everyone else, Happy Holidays! HINT: I want a Play Station 3.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Obscure Organized Crime - Part 1: South Philly
This is the first in a series of articles about the history of crime in our cities. Much has been said about infamous personalities such as Arnold Rothstein, Alphonse "Al" Capone and Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow but what about the unkown personalities that in someway or another shapped our cities. Today's story is about a crime war that took place in Philidelphia that shaped the city by forcing beneficial changes in one of the most crime ridden and poorest areas of the city.
It was in the 1960's that reputed crimelord boss Oscar Gilhooey known by his associates as Oscar "G" took control of organized crime in South Philadelphia. A cantankerous, mean spirited person believed to be the child of Irish immigrants, Oscar allegedly came to this country in 1934 with no possessions but the clothes on his back. Oscar always wore green fur coats to display his Irish heritage and claimed to have a pot of gold in his possession. His first job was working with a small time south Philly hood Richard "Dick" Clark, known as "The Boss" who had used intimidation and thug tactics to grow his refuse collection company, PBS Collections, into the largest privately owned trash company on the east coast. Richard Clark also had an interest in the music industry in South Philly and had small interests in a local television station.
Oscar soon met another Irishman, Kermit "The Frog" Sullivan, a dapper and charming individual from Brooklyn and soon became the best of friends. With Oscar's drive and Kermit's keen business sense they soon started their own trash collection company, PIX inc. and forced PBS out of business. Kermit referred to his childhood as living in a swamp and insisted that one day he would be a Hollywood icon.
The garbage collection business did not prove to be profitable enough and Oscar and Kermit recruited a fiscal genious, known as the Count, to take care of their books and financial transactions. Still not seeing the profits they had desired, they had enlisted a greek enforcer, "Snuff" Al Luffigas, to squash any resistance. Snuff was a huge and formidable character who instilled fear among anyone who was not cooperative or crossed their paths. Due to his large size and hairy appearance, Snuff, rarely had to use physical force to intimidate. It was believed that he received the nickname "Snuff" for snuffing out his victims but it had never been documented that he had actually killed or even injured anyone.
All seemed to be going well when Oscar made a comment about two gay men who resided on South Street which was overheard. Bertram O'Connor and Ernesto Padua were definately the wrong persons to snicker at. Ernesto arrived from Sicily about 10 years earlier and was the son of a mafia capo in Palermo. Bertram was known for his fierce temper and fighting skills he learned as a commando during WWII. Word reached the pair from a trusted associate, Bill "Big Bird" Wilson, who was a numbers runner and aficionado of the arts in the historic section and also had a small interest in the blossoming rock and roll music industry. After learning of Oscar's comments and homophobic rantings they had sworn to bring Oscar down.
Preceeded by several incidents on Walnut Street and Chestnut Street, the final showdown occurred on Sesame Street. During the melee popular caberet singer and occasional lover to Kermit Sullivan, Peggy Sue Porcine known as Miss Peggy to her friends, was injured by a flying pie pan. Kermit, upon seeing Miss Peggy fall to the sidewalk, ran to her side and dragged her to safety. Nauseated by the continuing violence the next day Kermit went to city hall and demanded a meeting with Mayor James "Big Jim" Henson. He turned states evidence against the carting industry and Oscar was arrested, tried and sentanced to serve 15 years in Eastern State Penitentiary as the only prisoner.
No charges were filed against O'Connor and Padua. The Count had absconded with much of the monies made by Oscar and Kermit, invested it in off shore accounts and is reputed to atill be living in eastern Europe. Kermit and Miss Peggy entered the protective witness program but resurfaced several years later in California. The twosome appeared in televison shows and a few films. They never attained their dreams of becoming the next Nelson Eddy and Jeanette McDonald. Al Luffigas and Bill Wilson, finding that they had a common interest in food and the arts, opened a chain of chicken restaurants and bought a failing television station in New York City that they named after the original trash collection company. As of today this TV station has been critically succssful even though they continue to have woeful cash shortages. Oscar G is believed to be homeless and living in the streets around the area of his fateful encounter with Bertram and Ernesto.
In our next installment we will discuss the California movie industry and how it was shaped by two colorful rathscalions, brothers Barry "Bugs" Warner and Dan "Daffy" Warner who charmed millions from investors with the intention of absconding with the investments, and inadvertently turned a failing movie studio into one of the great successes of the 1950s.
It was in the 1960's that reputed crimelord boss Oscar Gilhooey known by his associates as Oscar "G" took control of organized crime in South Philadelphia. A cantankerous, mean spirited person believed to be the child of Irish immigrants, Oscar allegedly came to this country in 1934 with no possessions but the clothes on his back. Oscar always wore green fur coats to display his Irish heritage and claimed to have a pot of gold in his possession. His first job was working with a small time south Philly hood Richard "Dick" Clark, known as "The Boss" who had used intimidation and thug tactics to grow his refuse collection company, PBS Collections, into the largest privately owned trash company on the east coast. Richard Clark also had an interest in the music industry in South Philly and had small interests in a local television station.
Oscar soon met another Irishman, Kermit "The Frog" Sullivan, a dapper and charming individual from Brooklyn and soon became the best of friends. With Oscar's drive and Kermit's keen business sense they soon started their own trash collection company, PIX inc. and forced PBS out of business. Kermit referred to his childhood as living in a swamp and insisted that one day he would be a Hollywood icon.
The garbage collection business did not prove to be profitable enough and Oscar and Kermit recruited a fiscal genious, known as the Count, to take care of their books and financial transactions. Still not seeing the profits they had desired, they had enlisted a greek enforcer, "Snuff" Al Luffigas, to squash any resistance. Snuff was a huge and formidable character who instilled fear among anyone who was not cooperative or crossed their paths. Due to his large size and hairy appearance, Snuff, rarely had to use physical force to intimidate. It was believed that he received the nickname "Snuff" for snuffing out his victims but it had never been documented that he had actually killed or even injured anyone.
All seemed to be going well when Oscar made a comment about two gay men who resided on South Street which was overheard. Bertram O'Connor and Ernesto Padua were definately the wrong persons to snicker at. Ernesto arrived from Sicily about 10 years earlier and was the son of a mafia capo in Palermo. Bertram was known for his fierce temper and fighting skills he learned as a commando during WWII. Word reached the pair from a trusted associate, Bill "Big Bird" Wilson, who was a numbers runner and aficionado of the arts in the historic section and also had a small interest in the blossoming rock and roll music industry. After learning of Oscar's comments and homophobic rantings they had sworn to bring Oscar down.
Preceeded by several incidents on Walnut Street and Chestnut Street, the final showdown occurred on Sesame Street. During the melee popular caberet singer and occasional lover to Kermit Sullivan, Peggy Sue Porcine known as Miss Peggy to her friends, was injured by a flying pie pan. Kermit, upon seeing Miss Peggy fall to the sidewalk, ran to her side and dragged her to safety. Nauseated by the continuing violence the next day Kermit went to city hall and demanded a meeting with Mayor James "Big Jim" Henson. He turned states evidence against the carting industry and Oscar was arrested, tried and sentanced to serve 15 years in Eastern State Penitentiary as the only prisoner.
No charges were filed against O'Connor and Padua. The Count had absconded with much of the monies made by Oscar and Kermit, invested it in off shore accounts and is reputed to atill be living in eastern Europe. Kermit and Miss Peggy entered the protective witness program but resurfaced several years later in California. The twosome appeared in televison shows and a few films. They never attained their dreams of becoming the next Nelson Eddy and Jeanette McDonald. Al Luffigas and Bill Wilson, finding that they had a common interest in food and the arts, opened a chain of chicken restaurants and bought a failing television station in New York City that they named after the original trash collection company. As of today this TV station has been critically succssful even though they continue to have woeful cash shortages. Oscar G is believed to be homeless and living in the streets around the area of his fateful encounter with Bertram and Ernesto.
In our next installment we will discuss the California movie industry and how it was shaped by two colorful rathscalions, brothers Barry "Bugs" Warner and Dan "Daffy" Warner who charmed millions from investors with the intention of absconding with the investments, and inadvertently turned a failing movie studio into one of the great successes of the 1950s.
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