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Saturday, April 24, 2010

Brooklyn Crime - A Somewhat True Tale: The True Cost of Tee-Shirts

Disclaimer: The story you are about to read is partially true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, although no one is truly innocent.

My name is Joe Saturday. I write a blog. My partner, Ilana, is sitting at her desk eating a piece of chocolate brownie and trying to annoy the obnoxious couple who live downstairs by stomping on the floor and making loud sounds. She is very good at annoying the couple and she is quite proud of her accomplishment.

Actually, Joe Saturday is me and Ilana is my wife. Not that you need care about that but I will relate a story that involved my son, who is now a prominent Doctor and Lawyer, okay, okay, he is a civil servant like the rest of his immediate family. I will refer to him as Obama to protect his identity.

Obama, was in his late 17s and starting his first semester at his institution of higher learning in the Midwood section of Brooklyn when a shady person attracted his attention.

"Psst. Hey you, com'eer. Ya want a T-shirt?"
"Uh, sure. How much?"
"It's free."
"It's kinda plain".
"What the f..k! I said it's free. Ya wan'it or not?"
"Yeah. I'll take it. Whad I got to do for it?"
"Sign here, and you'll get a credit card with a really high credit limit."
"They'll never approve it. I don't have a job."
"Dats the beauty of it. Ya don't need a f..kin' job to get credit with us. We're even gonna give ya a break and charge ya 29% interest and all ya got to do is pay the minimum each month. You gonna sign it or what?".
"Okay. I'll sign it"
"Thanks buddy. Here's your tee. Send your friends to see me. I'll hook'm up real good."

A week later, Obama, received his credit card and within a few months racked up $4,000 in debt buying electronics, kegs of beer and a new wardrobe. When the bill came he realized that he was up shit's creek and knew that he could not pay that bill. So like any other intelligent person in his age group, he put the invoice in his drawer and forgot about it. Two other bills insued and they joined their pal in the top right hand drawer of his desk.

It was at this point that an enforcer, Charlie "No Nose" Numnutz, started calling the house and when I answered and he said " You Obama?"
"No. I am his father. Can I help you?"
"Your son Obama owes us money and he has not made good on his marker". Kinda Runyonesque, isn't it? I think it makes the story better.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Charlie Numnutz from American Express. Your kid owes us money and I am calling to collect what he rightfully owes us."
"How much does he owe you?"
"For reasons of proprioty, I cannot tell you that. I can only tell you that your son is welching on us and if he don't pay we will ruin his credit rating. You wouldn't want to see anything happen to your son's credit rating. Would ya?"
"I couldn't give a damn about his credit rating. He owes you money, sue him"
"What! You don't give a F..k about his credit rating. What kinda parent are you? Look buddy, if you don't pay on his debt I'll sue you and put him in jail."
"Look idiot. Don't threaten me. You gave a minor without a job a credit card. You can't put him in jail and you can't sue me. So quit calling us and if you like you can come to my house and personally ask for the money."

Actually the Brooklyn way of saying that would be "Listen pal, you don't know who the fuck you're dealin wit. So why don't you come to my door so I can fuck your face over with my fist." But I have evolved a little higher than that and deal with people with a modicum of civility.

This event occurred a decade ago and after having expressed my opinions to elected officials, newpapers and various city and state agencies, this abuse still goes on and adds to the student loan debts that our kids will be saddled with for the next twenty years of their lives.

Credit card providers are out of control. They are allowed to charge interest rates that 20 years ago would have been deemed criminal. They give credit to kids without jobs because they count on the parents to pay their debt to keep their credit ratings intact. I am a supporter of our President and a staunch democrat, but I feel too little is being done to correct this situation. We bailed out the banks but we are still being victimized by them.

Colleges are allowing this miscarriage of justice to occur on their campuses and no one has made any real effort to stop this from happening and protect our children and grandchildren. I implore everyone to express their concerns to their elected officials and demand that this practice by stopped. Until next time.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Rescuing Strays

I am a firm believer in rescuing dogs from the shelter. My pet, Lady, was rescued from the animal shelter on Linden Boulevard. She was a five something (year old) bundle of fur who would have probably been euthanized had we not rescued her. She is smart, loving and very well behaved. I couldn't have asked for a better pet and she only cost us $40.00.

The recent eruptions of a volcano in Iceland had left thousands of people stranded in the airports. Watching the news, a young scottish lass was interviewed. She had only six dollars left and no place to go. Mayor Bloomberg showed his generosity to people like her by informing them that he had negotiated with Manhattan hotels to cut 15% off their rack rates. The stranded can now rent a hotel room in Manhattan for $240.00 a night instead of $300.00! A generous offer.

I had an epifany! I said to my lovely wife, "Wife! lets go to the airport and rescue a stranded tourist". Ilana said that this was a great idea but first we must clean the house. I retorted, that the beauty of rescuing a stranded tourist is that we can make them clean the house and cook for us in lieu of paying boarding fees.

We went to Kennedy airport and asked the information desk where we could rescue a tourist. The agent gaped at us with a dumfounded look and said he didn't know. We repeated this query several times and people stared at us as if we were from Mars. I went around asking people if they needed to be rescued. Finally an old man missing teeth, in shabby clothes and reeking of alcohol said "I wanna be reshcued!". I asked him what country he was from and he said "I don live in the cunry, I live in the city". I told him that he was not the kind of stray I am looking for, gave him my empty soda bottle and moved on.

I was hoping to find the Swedish Hot Tropic Bikini team stranded but, search high and low, I could not find them. An English woman did come up to us and said she and her children needed a place to stay, but English food tends to be boring and I would rather have a family from France, Italy, Spain or Greece where the cuisine is more appealing to me. I told the woman that it wouldn't work out and left.

It occurred to us that we don't really know what kind of person we would be inviting to our home. For all we know the person could be a serial killer or worse, an insurance salesman. (I would have said lawyer, but I have several lawyers in the family and would not want to offend them).

I think that this whole process could have been done better. I will make some suggestions to the Port Authority for the future and until then I am looking forward to the next tragedy.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Writer's Block and the Art of Getting Pissed Off

Here I am sitting at my desk trying to post a new addition to my blog and I have absolutely nothing to add. I am trying to draw up some deep angst and can not find anything that makes me want to complain this week. Damn it! I am back a week from my vacation and should have enough grievences to fill a phone book.

If I am going to remain calm for a week after a vacation, then dagnabit, I will not take any more vacations until I can come back from one sufficiently peeved. I like my bosses this week. The Tea Party people don't bother me, the pending 2012 end of the world doesn't even create a stir in me. I even like my kids.

Endorphins are powerful stuff. I am currenly applying bamboo splints under my finger nails, and I am still not pissing myself off. I would appreciate emails from friends and family that can bring me down to a more depressed state so I can get back on track with my life.

Wait a second, I just remembered something that is bringing my mood down a step or two. I am running out of jam and preserved goods. I had matzo brie this morning and had to use spreadable fruit instead of strawberry jam ( is there a difference?). If anyone is going to Kitchen Kettle Village in Bird-in-hand, Pennsylvania, please pick up the following items for me:

2 Qts of Chow Chow
1 Qt of Pickeled Beets
1 Qt of Pepper Cabbage
2 pint jars of Straberry Jam (with seeds)
2 pint jars of Grape Jam
2 pint jars of Vidalia Onion Relish

Please call me or email me at balevine@mail.com before buying to avoid duplicate orders.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Baltimore's Inner Harbour

We arrived in Charm City Thursday evening after a long, arduous trek from Virginia. I have never visited Baltimore before and figured this would be a good opportunity to visit. The first night we were here I was disappointed. There was not much we could find to do and couldn't figure out where the closest crab house was so we ended up eating at Mo's. They do not serve Flaming Mo's at this establishment.

We were a little hesitant as the first three reviews we found on the internet panned the restaurant, however, the hotel desk person said it was one of her favorite restaurants. We ate there and I was duly pleased. Word of advice, their portions are tremendous and an appetizer and main course can easily be shared by two people. And this is coming from a person who can eat.

The next morning started out well. The heat wave (90 degrees in early April) ended and the air was cool and crisp. We started to explore the inner harbour area and had a great time. The National Aquarium was well worth visiting and get this, Baltimore has a free bus called the Charm City circulator. There are three lines, and I will say it again, FREE! They run 10 minutes apart and they are FREE! FREE!. If the Circulator doesn't go where you want to go, the city bus lines are $1.60 and an all day pass is $3.50 do you hear that NYC Transit Authority, $3.60 for an all day pass!

NYC hired the same developers who did the Inner Harbour here to develop the South Street Seaport. We should ask for our money back. There is no comparison. You can easily walk around the inner harbour if you don't want to take the circulator, I would say it encompasses approximately 2 miles, or you can pay $9.00 for an all day water taxi pass to 12 different points of embarkation.

Since we were disappointed about finding a nearby crab house the evening before, we still wanted to experience Baltimore dining and ate at Pizzeria Uno and Chicago Grill on Pratt Street. I hand it to the Baltimorians to come up with the idea of a deep dish pizza. Baltimore Deep dish pizza while watching the Orioles on their myriad big screen TVs. I can't wait to go to Chicago to try their Boston cream pie.

The cost of hotels and restaurants here is two thirds what you would expect to pay in Manhattan, may be less. We stayed at a Fairfield Inn (Marriott) which was converted from an old brewery, and there is a tavern in the hotel. This was a boutique style hotel for $123 a night (not including parking and taxes). The Nu hotel in downtown Brooklyn charges up to $400 a night for the same ambiance.

The day we were here was opening day for the Orioles. They (Orioles)lost but people were friendly and outgoing. Riders on the circulator talk to you as if you were there neighbors. I don't know about the rest of Baltimore, but the Inner Harbour area is worth spending two to three nights, possibly longer if you use it as a jumping off area to visit DC and Annapolis.

Did I mention that a three bedroom, two bath apartment with central air runs about $1,100 a month in a decent neighborhood?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Anti-Socialism

I have come to the conclusion that I am basically an anti-social person. I can count my friends on one hand and that includes their spouses. I have many aquaintances and I am liked, at least on a personal level by my peers, supervisors and staff members in my charge but friends I have few.

Even in my plans for retirement I would prefer to live in the woods and far enough away from my neighbors not to see or hear them. I see myself in a few years as a cantankerous, old hermit shooting at revenoors, Jehovahs witnesses and strangers coming to my mountain to either tax me, sell me something or convert me.

But wait! Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way. Maybe I am becoming Thoreau contemplating nature at Walden Pond. I can become a great writer and this blog is what started it. Okay, I know I am stretching the point.

Lets get back to anti-socialism. What are the benefits of having few friends?

1. You save money because you don't have to go out to satisfy your friends social needs.
2. You save money on birthday and anniversary gifts and you don't recieve gifts that you don't want. Which is a good thing because it is hard to re-gift when you have a few friends.
3. You don't have to visit tourist attractions, such as Quilt museums, that your friend's wife wants to see and you would rather have a tooth pulled than spend another 5 minutes hearing "Look at the fine stitchery" again.
4. You don't have to keep the house clean because someone may show up unexpectedly.

I wonder if living in Brooklyn is the reason for my anti-social tendencies. Statistics show approximately 2,600,000 people live in the 72 square miles of Brooklyn. If you include doubled up families and undocumented aliens that figure can exceed 3,000,000 people. If I lived in New Paultz, a charming hamlet in upstate New York, would I still feel like running to a log cabin in the Catskills? Probably. After all Everyone is only concerned with their wants and needs which conflicts with my wants and needs. If everyone else was concerned with my wants and needs and made every effort to accommodate me without any resentment, I would find that acceptable.

Until I become a sultan and Ilana lets me have a harem, I have no choice than to remain a social outcast and aspire to a life of ascetic self-imposed exile to a cabin on Walden pond.

I have monetized my blog with a link to Amazon. You can buy nearly everything you may ever need on Amazon. Please make your purchases through the link on my page so I can make enough money to travel around the world when I am not meditating in my log cabin.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Can it be? I left Brooklyn to the wilds of Williamsburg, Virginia. I love Brooklyn, but let's face it, you have to get away once in a while. Don't think about robbing my house while I am away. I have a vicious dog that is trained to kill and two cantankerous kids at home.

We left Brooklyn at 11:30 AM and checked in at the Hampton Inn (one of at least 3 in Williamsburg proper) at 7:00 PM. Very nice, I would recommend it. Ilana, my loving spouse for the last 29 years, pointed out that this is the last time we can ever come to Williamsburg as there are three dinner theaters and when we do the next one there are no more.

We stopped at a Burger King in New Joisey on the way here to grab a quick bite. Did you know that once you leave the state of New York Passover is officially over? It seems that I have been eating Matzoh for so long that I forgot what that soft bread like thing surrounding my burger was. While eating, this little brat behind me kicks his chair into my finger. I moved the chair and the mother put the chair right back where it was and the kid kept kicking it into me. I jumped up yelled at the people while spitting out food. They got up and left. Now that is a Brooklyn move. No offense New Jersey, a Brooklyn man spitting out food is more intimidating than the Jersey Devil.

Several years ago we were visiting my in-laws and went to a shoe store in Redlands,California. When we paid, the clerk asked where we were from. I informed him that we were from Brooklyn. His response was, "But you are so nice". For all of ymy readers (all two) not familiar with Brooklyn, Saturday Night Fever only portrays a small percentage of Brooklynites. Don't forget that Dr. Cliff Huxtable is also from Brooklyn as was Danny Kaye and Rita Haywood.

Friday, April 2, 2010

NIT: End of an era

I went to the NIT final last night with my son and watched North Carolina be trounced by the Flyers of Dayton University. Little did we know that this was most likely the last NIT final that would ever be played. If you are not up to the world of basketball, the NCAA is considering expanding their end of season tourney to 96 teams. This effectively will envelope the 32 teams that comprise the NIT tourney.

Years ago the NIT was the premier end of season tourney. But over the years the NCAA championship has put a lock on the stronger teams as the champion of each conference gets an automatic berth to the tournement.

Of the 19,000 plus seats in Madison Square Garden approximately 6000 seats were occupied. To the majority of fans wearing Carolina blue or Dayton red tees they didn't need to fill the remaining 13,000 seats. This was there moment and they exuded enough cheer to fill the arena with noise.

Though I am not a fervent fan of either school (however, I do lean towards UNC), I did take vicarious pleasure in watching the fans cheer on their schools. As a graduate of Brooklyn College, I never had the opportunity to experience that kind of fervor for my alma mater's teams. The sound that two hundred fans make does not quite compare to the 6000 at last nights game. Can you imagine the sound of 33,000 fans at Syracuse's Carrier stadium?

Believe it or not, Brooklyn College did try to make a foray into NCAA I basketball in the 70's as they had Kingsborough Basketball great Ed Middleton who was the leading community college scorer in the nation. This didn't last long as it is extremely expensive to play ball at this level and Brooklyn College could never sell enough seats to make it worthwhile for a top college team to play them. They managed to get a game with Syracuse, but only under the condition that the game be played at Carrier.

When I was young I followed All Americans Barry Kramer of NYU and Luther Green at LIU. Yes, younger peoples, these were NCAA 1 schools at one time and played on the level of Uconn, Duke, Georgetown, Dayton and North Carolina. The NIT was the big tourney and if you didn't get invited to this tournament you played in the less prestigious NCAA tournement.

NIT had a great run but as with phones with rotary dials, black and white TVs and transistor radios everything eventually comess to an end. Heres to next years NCAA tournement and here's my advice to Tyler Zeller the 7 foot center at UNC, pack on twenty pounds of muscle for next season and hold your ground when your opponent drives on you.