Gratuities

After reading my previous two essays my wife stated I was being bitter. I said Nay. I am being factual and honest. She didn't go for it. In my continuing series of bitter essays I include a topic that very often brings out the ire in me...

Definition: Gratuities - (noun, plural) Gifts of money over and beyond the payment due for services performed.

The concept of gratuities has always been daunting to me. I have always felt uncomfortable in situations where I wasn't sure how much to tip. Searching the web has not been much help as tipping is very often governed by personality, region, race and nationality.

Many European nations have, as far as I am concerned, the best tipping custom. They include the tip and the local taxes in the price of the food. What you are charged is what you pay. No calculations required. If you are charged $100 for a party of four, you quickly calculate that everyone has to pay a share of $25.00. I absolutely hate restaurants that write on the bill that tax will be added at the register.  When you get the bill you have to figure the sales tax first. Is it 8.625% or is it 8.650%. Wait... didn't the sales tax increase to 9.625% last month. What the F@#&! would it be so difficult for the damn server to include the sales tax before he gives me the bill. I take a percentage off the tip just for the sheer laziness of the restaurant to add the sales tax.

Even more than hating restaurants that do not initially include the sales tax, I hate the ones that add gratuities to the bill in advance. Every now and then I will see a stamped comment stating that a gratuity of 20% has already been added to the bill. I want to know is it just me or does this apply to everyone? Am I being viewed as cheap bastard before I even sit down? Is it my clothes? My demeanor? I always wondered if the service wasn't to my satisfaction would I be able to reduce the automatic gratuity. Are automatic gratuities enforceable in a court of law? These are the questions that race through my mind whenever I go out to eat.

It has been explained to me that the automatic gratuity is imposed by many New York restaurants due to foreign tourists not leaving tips as they are accustomed to the pay one price policy that is prevalent in Europe. Several years ago I was informed the reason was due to teenagers not leaving appropriate tips. Before that I was told (in a more openly racist era) that people of color do not tip. Somehow I wonder if this is all hype and just another way to increase profits. Who actually is getting the gratuities? About two years ago the staff at Nobu sued the owners for withholding and pocketing their tips.

I use the following standard to calculate tips:

1.  I start at 20%

2.  No one tends to us within 5 minutes - Deduct 5%
3.  Server doesn't smile - Deduct 5%
4.  Server is pretty and smiles at me and calls me Hon - Add 10%
5.  Accuracy of order - Deduct 2% for each wrong item
6.  Relish plate and rolls brought to table without asking - Add 2%
7.  Server crouches - Deduct 3% (servers at Applebee's are advised to crouch in order to be lower than the patron thus making the patron feel superior)
8.  Refills drinks expeditiously - Add 3% (free refill add 1% more)
9.  Server tells me I don't need the french fries - Deduct 10%
10. Throws in a free appetizer - Add 2%
11. Adds automatic gratuity to bill - Throw away my calculations that I became so engrossed in keeping track of to the extent where I didn't get a chance to enjoy the food and pay the posted amount under protest.

In actuality I usually double the tax which in New York City would result in a tip of approximately 18%. In a cheaper restaurant such as Friendly's or Chili's I will up grade a dollar or two. It has always bothered me that a server in a restaurant that charges $15 to $20 per person, the server does the same amount of work as a server in a restaurant that charges $25 to $50 per person. Due to this (based on a 20% gratuity for a dinner for two) the server in the less expensive joint will get a tip of $8.  The server in the more expensive restaurant would get a tip of $16.00 for the same amount of work. I ask you, is this fair? Also, should I punish a server for poor food quality or kitchen efficiency by reducing the tip?

For a while I was leaving cash as the gratuity at the cheaper restaurants so the server would have the option to declare a lesser amount to the IRS. At the more expensive restaurants I would include it on the credit card to make sure that it was declared by the (elitist pig fancy shmancy) server with an attitude. But I am patriot and believe that everyone has the responsibility to pay their fair share of taxes.

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: PAY YOUR TAXES!

I do not condone misrepresenting your income to the IRS. Your taxes are needed to ensure the proper operation of our government and to finance all of the wonderful work it does in Iraq and Afghanistan and helping out the ailing banking and investment sectors and the underpaid CEOs and executives who are unable to afford the bare necessities that are needed by people in their position such as luxury yachts, personal jets and villas in the Riviera.

Have you noticed lately that counter service people at delis, donut shops and pizzerias are placing tip jars on the counter. I ask ... for what? Waiters are paid ridiculously low salaries in anticipation of gratuities. Counter people are paid normal hourly wages. I don't get gratuities for doing my job. Readers take my word and do not allow yourself to feel guilty and shamed for not leaving a tip at a counter. save the money for a worthwhile charity such as the American Diabetes Association, the Red Cross or the Brooklyn State of Mind Barry Levine Retirement Fund.

A Moyle (person who performs ritual Jewish circumcisions) at a bris (a Jewish ritual circumcision) was asked why he performs this ritual. He responded, "the pay is lousy but the tips are good."

As I mentioned earlier, I found searching the web for tipping advice troubling, so I will include my own list which I now follow religiously.

Food Servers - 20% (+/- 5% depending on the quality of service)

Food delivery people - $1 per $10 of order
Barbers/ Beauticians/Pet Groomers - 15%
Salon Shampooer - $1 to $2
Cabs/Car Service - 10%
Bell Hops - $1.00 per bag
Hotel Housekeepers - $2 per night
Sky caps - I don't use them. I prefer to carry my own bag
Mail deliverer - Yeah. Right. They are not supposed to solicit tips.
Sanitation workers - City: $0 (if you live in a city that has private sanitation $20 each or you may find the garbage on your lawn)
Service People - None. Unless they give you an upgrade and don't charge you.
Building Superintendent (not including city owned building) - $100 per year
Building concierge, staff, parking attendants - $20 - $25 each per year.
Newspaper delivery - $20.00 per year (minus the cost for replacing all papers thrown in a puddle or used to provide the dog with a chew toy.
Tipping Cows - I threw this in to keep you on guard. Not a wise thing to do.

In this continuing series of bitter complaints the next topic will be Splitting the Restaurant Tab. I don't drink so why should we split the bill evenly!

Please contact me at balevine@mail.com if you wish to discuss this topic further or convince me that I am a cheap bastard.