THE CONSPIRACY OF CONSPIRACY THEORIES

I am proud to say that I am not an adherent to conspiracy theories. I do not believe there is a coordinated effort to cover up the existence of aliens (Why would they want to come here anyway? Maybe Holland). There are no United Nations secret police in black helicopters (they are city assessors looking for illegal pools). President Obama is not an Al Qaeda and ISIS agent because he likes shwarma every now and then. Santa Klaus is not a drunk even though he smells of alcohol in the mall. He’s diabetic needing insulin and wipes the injection area with cleaning swabs before dealing with little kids with super sweet personalities that could send him into a sugar induced stupor.

People who believe in conspiracies tend to be uneducated, uninformed, fearful and anti-social people who are so desperate to belong to one group or another. Religions and cults are a good outlet for most people but conspiracy theorists need to be more focused and aliens, cattle mutilations, men in black suits and Scientology fit the bill so well.

I was in the Waldbaums supermarket on Ralph Avenue with my son shortly after the World Trade Center attack.  The man behind me at the cash register line seemed to be relatively normal and started to make conversation.

Man: You know this could’ve been prevented.

Me: Really, How? Better information from the CIA?

Man: The owners of the world trade center could’ve prevented this.

Me: So, what could they have done?

Man: They never activated the force field.

I kid you not, this guy was completely serious about this. At that moment my son who was nineteen looked at me trying not to laugh and did everything in his power not to verbalize to the guy that he was a freaking moron as he was wont to say to several prior bosses and teachers.

Me: You do realize that force fields are science fiction.

Man: Nooo. They use them on Star Trek all of the time.

Me: Maybe they could have used tractor beams to pull the planes back before they hit or shot them down with photon torpedos.

Man: EXACTLY! That’s what I have been saying all along.

Conversation over. I am not making light of the horrendous attack on our soil but I need to illustrate the sick puppies that are walking amongst us.

The next person I spoke to later that day said that the attack was actually the Jew loving United States government and Israel inciting a war to eradicate Muslims. Our forefathers threw tea overboard to start the Revolutionary war, the U.S. sunk the Maine to get into the Spanish-American war, The U.S. sunk the Lusitania to get into WWI, Roosevelt allowed Japan to bomb Pearl Harbor to get us into WWII (that’s the big one you know). So what’s so far fetched about the World Trade Center attack bein insitiated by the government of the United States and Israel?

Why is it that when a catastrophic event occurs the crazies come out en mass? Hurricane Katrina was God punishing African Americans in New Orleans, Hurricane Sandy was God punishing liberals in New York. Those tornado in Kansas was due to a little dog biting the general store lady.

As I mentioned previously, I am not a subscriber to conspiracy theories. They are not true. They are a product of a troubled mind looking for acceptance unless you’re talking about the cable industry. I have been victimized by a coordinated effort by Verizon to separate me from my hard earned money. They appeal to my vanity by selling me fancy tiny super computers that can make phone calls and send pictures of my cat. They sell me thousands of channels showing absolutely nothing that I want to watch but I am forced to keep them because I don’t want my friends to think that I can’t afford all of those premium channels that I don’t watch or need. They made me switch from regular phone and cable service to fiber optic phone service because fiber optics are so much better than coaxial cable.

Let me ask you something Mr. Smarty Pants … If fiber optic is so much better than coaxial cable why is their a coaxial cable from the junction box to my set top boxes?  To illustrate my point you are in your car driving on a three lane side of the highway at 50 miles per hour. Assuming there are no accidents you will continue driving at 50 miles per hour and reach your destination 50 miles a way in one hour. Now, lets say you are on the same highway that was improved so you can drive 100 miles per hour. Assuming that there are no accidents you would expect to reach your destination in half an hour. But now lets say the three lane improved highway hits a point where you are forced to do 50 miles per hour. A traffic jam would ensue so regardless of the spankin’ brand new highway you started on you are still going to get to your destination in an hour and not in thirty minutes. I will refer to this in the future, if I ever have to refer to this again, as the pebble in the stream theory. Don’t ask me why but it’s easier to say “Pebble in the Stream Theory” than to write a long inane paragraph.

After the World Trade Center attack we had no television reception for a few weeks with the exception of the Spanish stations. El Guerro de la Sexos quickly became my favorite show along with Sabado Gigante. I couldn’t understand most of what they said but every ten minutes or so everyone would get up to sing and dance which was very cool. Wouldn’t it be cool if Al Roker and Glen Beck and the panelists in Face the Nation would jump up to sing and dance after every discussion?

We got broadcast back eventually and enjoyed it for a few years but could never get CBS which is channel 2 in New York City. Then the Feds in collusion with broadcasters and electronic manufacturers went from analog signal to digital. I had to buy two convertors but they could never get all of the channels. I bought a digital antenna, then an amplified digital antenna and still couldn’t get all of the stations. I was under the impression that a digital signal was much better than analog. Bullshit!

This is how they get you to subscribe to a satellite or cable TV system. I live less than seven miles from some of the most powerful broadcast antennas in the world and I can’t get half the channels. What is wrong with that picture? They want you to get pay TV so they can have a two way channel to your house and spy on you to see if you’re watching subversive shows like Roseanne and Ellen. No way, no how, I will not pay for something that God gave us for free!  When I was a teenager we had a dollar movie theater in Sheepshead Bay called the Graham Theater. The carpeting in the theater was so grungy that there were times the stickiness of the carpet actuall pulled my show off while walking. Before every movie they would play a public service announcement that said Fight Pay TV. I had no idea what they were talking about back then. Now I know and should have joined that crusade instead of protesting the war in Vietnam and fighting for the 18 year old vote.

I finally broke down and ordered Dish Satellite TV, then Direct TV but every time there was a wind storm I lost reception and they informed me that they would charge me to re-align the antenna. I eventually went to Verizon for their phone, internet and TV triple play.  It’s cable it won’t need alignment, ever. The internet worked fine for a few years than I started having problems. You must upgrade to a faster speed. So I did and my internet worked fine. Than problems again. You need a new modem they told me so I bought a new modem. Everything is fine for another two years and problems begin again. You need  FIOS fiber optic and a faster speed plan and a new modem for the fiber optics they tell me.

Convince me there is not a conspiracy here.

Growing up TV was free, there was no internet, there were no cell phones. My parents paid about $20.00 a month in total for all their infotainment and telecommunication needs. If you had to look something up you went to your World Book Encyclopedia or walked to the library.  Currently I pay nearly $6,000 a year for all three must have services and my cell phones and tablets and I don’t even have all of the premium channels or the fastest service. $6,000 a year, believe it or not, is a lot of money even in Brooklyn and covers the rent on a two bedroom apartment for a month in Brooklyn Heights.

So now you know. There are no conspiracies, only the machinations of bored, lonely people who sit at the computer all day posting on Face Book and tweeting on Twitter and hanging out with their cat when they are not napping or noshing.  No conspiracies with the exception of one insidious, dark corporation that is one step closer to controlling the matrix and the simulation that we are currently living in.