The Most Uninteresting Man

When I speak no one listens.
Pigeons avoid dropping lucky stuff on my head.
Man-eating animals turn away.
Mosquitoes do not bite me.
I am an expert in dueling remote controls.
Women flock away when I enter the room.
Children cry for their mommy when I enter the playground and sit on a bench.
My wife falls asleep when I compliment her.
Friends ask me to stay in the VIP room at parties. Alone.
My dog does not take food from me.

Yes. I am the world's must uninteresting man.

I don't always drink diet soda but when I do, I drink diet coke
Stay thirsty my friends.  

I do not think of myself as an interesting person. I believe I can count the fingers on one hand all of the times I have been witty and charming at social gatherings. Even on those occasions I am pretty sure that I may have been witty or charming but never both at the same time. 

Even my children did not find me interesting. I have a  bad habit of providing additional content, added value is a better word for it, on family outings or when we watched television together. For example, we would be at the Bronx zoo and walking down an area that was old forest in appearance and I would say "look kids, this is what the Bronx actually looked like two hundred years ago". By the umpteenth time we went to the zoo we would be walking down the path and before I could espout my knowledge the kids would say, "This is what the Bronx was like two hundred years ago now you don't have to say it".  My kids compared me to Cliff Klaven, the postman and veritable fountain of mis-knowledge on Cheers.

I have been accused of being a know-it-all but I do not agree with that characterization of me. I definitely know that I do not know it all. For example I will not comment on quantum mechanics with the exception of Schroder's cat who we all know is that loveable animal that lies on top of a dog house and flies a WWI bi-plane in an attempt to shoot down the Red Baron in the Peanuts cartoon strip. By the way the Red Baron survived and opened a pizza chain.

My job entails public speaking and I have always had the desire to get up in front of the crowd and tell some amusing anecdotes and jokes and at one function I prepared several. One of my previous directors was present at that dinner and made it a point to state to all at the next departmental meeting  that most people who do speak in public are better off trying not to be funny. He attended many presentations each month so I am not actually sure if he was referring to me.

Well, if you can't be funny, you might as well be interesting. People who are funny are invariably interesting. They can say anything whether accurate or not and people will tell them that they enjoyed their speech, learned so much from it and will take all of that now knowledge home and put it to good use. The speaker could have told them that a tooth brush and a fleet enema are perfect together to get into the little crevasses in your large intestine and the audience would say, "Why didn't I think of that? He is such a clever man".

But going back to the advice of the director, I do realize that speaking in public is quite different than getting up in front of a crowd at the comedy club who have already consumed more alcohol than allowed by law to operate a motor vehicle or heavy machinery.  Therefore I must stick to being informative and trying to be interesting enough to get the point across without losing the audience.

The typical meeting usually goes like this:

Me:     

I would like to tell you about a new way that the federal government will fund our programs.

Guy in the back:

Where's the goddamn donuts?

Me:       

Citibank will be investing in our property in lieu of a tax credit.

Horny 90 year old woman in the front row to the woman on her left:

He is so handsome. He has such a nice beard.

Me:

Through this partnership we will be getting many of the capital improvements that are much needed such as replacement of our aging elevators

Guy in the back:

When are they going to put out the donuts? I gotta go to the bathroom.

Me:

We will begin elevator installation next week

Woman in the second row:

We need new elevator! When will we get new elevators?

Me:
They will start being installed next week.

Same woman:

The elevators need to be replaced!

Me:

They are. Next week.

Same woman:

(feel asleep mid-sentence) z z z z z z

Obviously nobody cares as to what I am saying. I am not funny nor am I interesting. I am the antithesis of that old stock broker commercial ... "When Barry Levine talks nobody listens!". At the dinner table I would say to Ilana, "Work was tough today. I am stressed out and we need to go away for a few days. If it gets worse then this I am going to throw myself in front of a bus". Ilana would reply "That's nice. So how was work today?" I would repeat the comment about throwing myself in front of a bus and then she would ask if I need a new Metrocard[1]. 

In order to avoid conversation with me my daughter will put her ear plugs in her ears and pretend she is listening to music. Of course the other end is just hanging there not inserted in any device. I'd wave to her to get her attention and say "Alyssa they are not plugged in." Her response would be "Have you ever heard of bluetooth?". "The pirate?" I would respond. There was a time that I was a god in the eyes of my children. Now I am a boring old fart still living in the age of the boom box and Laugh-in.

In order to appear more interesting I have decided to include colorful interjections into my conversation such as Leap'n Lizards, Great Caesar's Ghost and Great Scott!  I tried Shazaam and Golly but that was received as too Gomer Pyleish. I am shooting to appear more intelligent in my conversations. You have to be careful when adding colorful interjections. I had a boss who was told that her staff did not like her because she was perceived to be stuffy and have her nose up in the air. She decided to counter this by talking to us as if she was one of us. Every other word out of her mouth was punctuated by "Freakin" and "a-hole". So she would try to make everyday conversation and say"I was on the train to day this freakin' guy had the nerve to get a heart attack and delay the rest of us from getting to work on time. What an a-hole". Yes. That is how professionals speak to each other at work.

When I don't speak I do emit an aura of knowledge and sophistication. For example whenever I am in a shopping mall people come to me and ask me where the food courts and bathrooms are.

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[1] Metrocard is a cash preloaded card used to pay bus and train fares and occasionally buy a Big Mac hamburger at participating McDonalds.