Weddings, Spiders and Nazi Zombies

Chuck
Stephanie, I love you so much. I am so glad we washed up on this beach and found each other.

Rose
Yes, Chuck. The smell of the sea, the waves crashing to the shore. I can't imagine anything more beautiful.

Chuck
Oh my god, what is that out in the ocean moving to the shore?

Rose
I don't know but suddenly I am scared Chuck! Really, really scared!

Chuck
They're people Steph. Blond haired people and lots of them!

Rose
And they are wearing Nazi uniforms!

They hear a voice shouting from behind, it is the voice of Peter Cushing, playing a crazy old man who alleged he was a SS Commander on a top secret German project during WWII.

Crazy old SS Commander
Quick, Chuck, Rose. Run! Zey are Nazi zombies zat ver asleep under the ocean all of these years and they somehow ver awakened and cannot be controlled. Ve must get off of this beach. Mach snell!

SPOILER ALERT: The movie ends with everyone getting killed by the Nazi Zombies except for Rose who gets away in a dinghy and ends up in an asylum for the insane after being rescued.

Ψ

Shock Waves is a movie that holds a special place in our hearts. This was the first movie that Ilana and I saw together after we were married. A great movie to see while enjoying the charms of Cape Cod and it's beaches on our honeymoon.

As many of our family members and friends know (or will know after reading this). Ilana and I knew each other as acquaintances and friends for approximately one year before we wed in August 1981. We dated approximately eight weeks. We planned to get married in November 1981 however, Ilana's sister Meri was visiting from Israel and didn't want to make another trip in three months so she very persuasively had us move up our plans.

Ilana and I wanted a very small, intimate wedding with just immediate family and closest friends. Her sister Rena offered us the use of her home and backyard for the wedding.  We were thrilled!  This was the wedding that Ilana always wanted.  Then Meri took us aside and said, "Mom always wanted to have a big wedding for you. A small wedding would sadden her". We agreed and within two weeks we arranged a wedding for 148 people at the Shell Bank Jewish Center, hired a caterer and a band, Ilana found a wedding dress and had all of her fittings within a one week period and we called all of our guests.

The wedding day had come. It was a beautiful August day. Ilana was waiting for her parents to pick her up. They lived a block away. She waited. Fifteen minutes went by, then another fifteen. After forty five minutes she tried to call her parents to find out where they were but the phone went unanswered. They were an hour late and Ilana was starting to panic. A car service driver was waiting in the driveway for his fare and started a conversation with Ilana. After hearing her concerns he said he would stay and drive her if they didn't show up. They came a few minutes later. When Ilana asked her father why they didn't answer the phone, he stated that Meri didn't want her to know that they were running late.

Back on track, I am at the Jewish Center when Ilana arrives. Her mother yelled at me to look away as seeing the bride before the wedding is bad luck and she ran Ilana into the bridal chamber like a Secret Service Officer protecting the President of the United States. After a half an hour, the Rabbi calls me into the bridal chamber to verify that Ilana is the person I am supposed to marry before she put down the veil. This custom comes from the biblical story of Jacob being snookered into marrying the wrong sister. Ilana's mom didn't realize that the Rabbi had invited me in and jumped in front of me and was about to kick my butt out of the room but was intercepted by the Rabbi who assured her that it was alright. The Rabbi then had me sign the marriage contract, the Katubah, which I had discussed in a previous blog.

The wedding ceremony was now about to begin. As Ilana, beautiful and well-coifed, entered the room to walk down the aisle.  Due to the swiftness of the wedding preparations there was a sudden hush as everyone expected her to be extremely pregnant and ready to drop.  When they saw that she was flat bellied there was a collective "Whew" and Ilana continued down the aisle. The Rabbi referred to her as Eileen, Elaine, Elona, Yolanda, and Ellen during the next twenty minutes. After getting through a massive giggle fit (everyone thought she was trembling in fear) we were pronounced Husband and Wife.

Next the reception began and all of our guests were awaiting the grand entrance of the newest happily wed couple and the band leader announced "Let's give a great big hand for... Ilana and Robert!"

Robert! Where in the hell did he get Robert from! Somewhere there is an announcement in a newspaper of the Elaine Kushner and Robert Levine wedding. The food was terrible (the Jewish center insisted we use their glatt kosher caterer), the band was off key but until the birth of my kids that was the best day of my life.

The next day we headed off to Cape Cod. We had reservations at the Windjammer Inn.  The brochure showed that it was a beautiful inn along the beach. A perfect haven for honeymooners. When we made the reservations they had informed us that the main inn was solidly booked but they had rooms at their romantic and modern annex.

Due to heavy rains the trip took longer than we had expected and we decided to eat in a restaurant called Lobster in the Rough before we reached the inn. The server orally went through the menu explaining in a very heavy New England accent the difference between the Cull with no claw, the Claw with one claw and the Haul with two claws. After going through the whole page Ilana looked at her and said "Huh?" To the untrained ear cull, haul and claw sounded like " the awl with and awl, the awl with one awl and the awl with two awl". After repeating the second time Ilana looked at her, hesitated a moment and said "Huh"? The server was somewhat taken aback and I, who can communicate in New Englandese, decided to place the order for two hauls with two claws for all which sounded like "Two awls with two awls for awl".

I also noticed quahogs on the menu. Admitting that I was not acquainted with that term I asked the server what they were and she said they were baked clams. Oddly enough they were sold individually. I ordered six. The server was dumbfounded, attempted a smile and wrote down the order and walked off shaking her head.

Baked clams in Brooklyn usually come six or eight to the order and they all fit very nicely on a 10 inch plate. What the server did not make clear to me was that quahogs are actually chowder clams that have a diameter of six inches and are piled about four inches high with chopped clams and breading. The order was brought out on three large plates. The other patrons were wide eyed with wonder as how we were going to eat all of them.

Yes, I ate all six.

After I had finished the quahogs the server brought out the lobsters. Ilana had never ordered a whole lobster previously, only broiled tails that were already split. These lobsters were served boiled and unsplit. Ilana puzzled over how to attack the lobster and tried stabbing it with a fork. I must regress somewhat. Instead of individual tables the restaurant had tables arranged in rows of four to six across. As Ilana tried stabbing the lobster with a predetermined force calculated to go through the shell, the lobster slid out from under her fork and ended up across the row of tables and finally stopped next to another couple. Nonchalantly I had walked over, apologized and retrieved the lobster.

Once we checked in at the inn's main building we proceeded two blocks to the modern, romantic annex. The annex was previously a small motel that was last redecorated and furnished in 1940. It had a black and white TV, two well worn single beds and a sofa sleeper. The only channel we could get on the TV was showing a B horror movie called Shock Waves.

We shared one single bed that night. In the morning we had received a wake up call. On the first ring I started to get up and looked down at my sleeping bride. On the second ring, Ilana startled and jumped up smashing the top of her head into my eye. We started to get dressed and Ilana went to the bathroom. All of a sudden, I hear Ilana start to scream. As I ran into the bathroom. Ilana was on the toilet bowl surrounded by hundreds of baby spiders hanging on strands of webbing. With great aplomb I rescued her from a horrendous fate and carried her to safety. Actually I didn't carry her but it makes a better damsel in distress story.

We found that the Sheraton in Hyannis had a vacancy and we checked out of the Windjammer and checked into a small suite with a king size bed, a love seat and a mechanical fireplace. The rates were pretty much the same as the Windjammer and the hotel manager learning that we were on our honeymoon and of our ordeal apologized that he couldn't do more for us and had a basket of fruits and a bottle of champagne waiting for us. We had tickets to see Dionne Warwick at the Melody Tent in Hyannis. Aside from the Melody Tent being ridiculously overcrowded with no knee room, Dionne sang only three songs and spent twenty minutes transfixed on a spider hanging from a strand of webbing over the stage. I believe that she was psychically trying to befriend and communicate with it.

The rest of our honeymoon went without a hitch, which is a contradiction as you can't get married without getting hitched. We visit Cape Cod quite often, however much has changed. The Sheraton and Windjammer are no longer there but the Melody Tent is where we left it and right next door is the Paddock Restaurant where we ate our first king crab legs.

A year or two after we were married, my mother-in-law came to us and said, "Out of curiosity, I know that you always wanted a small wedding, so why did you change your mind?"  Ilana informed her that she had the larger wedding because that was what Meri said that she (her mother) wanted for her. Her mom said "No. I thought the small wedding was a wonderful idea. Meri came to me and said you really wanted a big wedding". To this day Meri would not admit that she engineered this. We love you Meri, everything worked out fine and we will always have great memories and laughs of our wedding day and our honeymoon and the Nazi zombies.