The Host to disseminate Erroneous Yaptrap

Ever since I was young my brother, Robert, and I recognized that there was a reprehensible plot to control our thoughts and actions. We were subject to the incessant bombardment of propaganda from our leaders such as...

Vietnam was not a war

The Russians will drop an H-Bomb on us tomorrow

The average American family is as depicted on Father Knows Best and the Donna Reed Show

Corporate America cares for you

America made the best cars

Iraq had weapons of mass destruction

USA has the best and most efficient medical care system in the world

And so on. As the years passed I had learned that we had been fed this drivel so that concerned parties could increase their power base and financial interests. Yes, there may have been a modicum of truth here and there but all-in-all these were gross overstatements designed to scare the bejeezus out of us and keep us in line.

I don't consider myself one who falls for  conspiracy theories and I am adamantly against most. I believe that we landed on the moon several times, Israel was not responsible for the attack on the World Trade Center, The Earth is 4 1/2 to 6 billion years old, the dinosaurs died out 65 million years ago* long before the ancestors of man came into the picture and that we perfected time travel in the 1940's in a attempt to assassinate Hitler but failed miserably.

No matter how nefarious the above attempts to control us has been there is even a darker attempt to control us through propaganda. Instead of feeding us with erroneous information regarding items to control our political, moral and social beliefs there has always been an attempt to force our behavioral patterns and mold us into a cookie cutter ideology. Whenever you try to get to the source of the information we are informed that THEY say these are true. Who are THEY?

I am proud to say no matter how hard THEY tried to get me to fall in line, THEY have failed. It has been my belief that the United Nations was behind this on their quest to dominate the world and increase their black helicopter fleet and their army of agents wearing black. I went through the UN's website looking for a summary of the responsibilities of UNICEF. I have learned that the C in UNICEF stands for Children which confirms that this plot starts here as this propaganda is directed initially to Children.

Some of the propaganda that  I grew up with were:

Swallowing apple seeds or orange pits will cause a tree to grow out of your navel when you are asleep (a blatant attempt by fruit growers in this country to stop people from planting their own orchards).

Smoking cigarettes around children was not detrimental to their health (pandering to the interests of tobacco farmers and cigarette manufacturers)

Butter is bad for you but oleomargarine and hydrogenated trans-fats are not. (The FCC... Fake Food Council)

Getting drunk on alcohol is not as bad as getting high on marijuana (Republicans)

If you cross your eyes and someone slaps you on the back your eyes will remain in the crossed position. (Teachers trying to keep kids from enjoying school. School is serious business)

Masturbation causes poor vision and hairy palms. (Organized religion). My nearsightedness is congenital and I do not have hairy palms. Thank you.

Drinking cold soda after eating hot soup will crack your teeth. (Tooth whitening product manufacturers) This one may be true as I always drank cold soda when eating soup and as of the last count I am down 17 teeth.

Even today when someone tells you something they will start by saying "THEY say..". And once again I must ponder the question... Who are THEY?. While continuing my search into this question at the United Nations website, particularly the UNICEF page, I could not conclusively say that this propaganda is coming from that source. I believe it started there but now I believe that this has escalated into an enormous black plot to control EVERY FACIT OF OUR EXISTANCE! Until I can find out who is behind this plot I will refer to this nameless and secret organization as T.H.E.Y...

The Host to disseminate Erroneous Yaptrap.

I am convinced that Bankers, Detroit and  members of the Tea Party are behind this plot. Whether or not they have the backing of the United Nations is no longer of any significance as their power and influence has increased a thousand fold over the past twenty years. 

Knowledge is power. In order to keep them from learning any more about me I buy everything using cash. I have lined my walls with aluminum foil to thwart their eavesdropping and mind reading devices. I speak on the telephone in code. For example when I call my wife to tell her I am going to the grocery store I say "Ilana, look around and make sure no one is reading your lips. I am going hunting and gathering. Good bye" and hang up quickly before she can utter a single word.

Dammit! Now they know my code speak! Why did I write this in my blog? Now I have to get a new code for going to the grocery. I better be careful before I know it there may be men in black knocking at my front door. Wait. There is a knock at my front door, let me see who is there. I'll be right back....

... Two men in white coats are out there! Thank god they are not wearing black. Well I must say goodbye for now. But before I do, promise me one thing... you will not fall victim to stupid conspiracy theories, tea party rhetoric, vote for Obama at the next election and always keep a look out for... THEY!

Note: The opinions I have wrote about in this essay do not necessarily reflect the beliefs of my brother, Robert.

* The Flintstones were actually an advanced humanoid race that exhibited ecological friendly technology who did exist along with the dinosaurs but are not directly related to the humans who exist today or to our Australopithecus ancestors. The TV show is not animated but actual footage found in archelogical digs in Prospect Park.

This posting was a collaborative effort with Alyssa Levine whose intelligence, charm, sharp wit, neurosis and paranoia compliment my twisted views.

Weddings, Spiders and Nazi Zombies

Chuck
Stephanie, I love you so much. I am so glad we washed up on this beach and found each other.

Rose
Yes, Chuck. The smell of the sea, the waves crashing to the shore. I can't imagine anything more beautiful.

Chuck
Oh my god, what is that out in the ocean moving to the shore?

Rose
I don't know but suddenly I am scared Chuck! Really, really scared!

Chuck
They're people Steph. Blond haired people and lots of them!

Rose
And they are wearing Nazi uniforms!

They hear a voice shouting from behind, it is the voice of Peter Cushing, playing a crazy old man who alleged he was a SS Commander on a top secret German project during WWII.

Crazy old SS Commander
Quick, Chuck, Rose. Run! Zey are Nazi zombies zat ver asleep under the ocean all of these years and they somehow ver awakened and cannot be controlled. Ve must get off of this beach. Mach snell!

SPOILER ALERT: The movie ends with everyone getting killed by the Nazi Zombies except for Rose who gets away in a dinghy and ends up in an asylum for the insane after being rescued.

Ψ

Shock Waves is a movie that holds a special place in our hearts. This was the first movie that Ilana and I saw together after we were married. A great movie to see while enjoying the charms of Cape Cod and it's beaches on our honeymoon.

As many of our family members and friends know (or will know after reading this). Ilana and I knew each other as acquaintances and friends for approximately one year before we wed in August 1981. We dated approximately eight weeks. We planned to get married in November 1981 however, Ilana's sister Meri was visiting from Israel and didn't want to make another trip in three months so she very persuasively had us move up our plans.

Ilana and I wanted a very small, intimate wedding with just immediate family and closest friends. Her sister Rena offered us the use of her home and backyard for the wedding.  We were thrilled!  This was the wedding that Ilana always wanted.  Then Meri took us aside and said, "Mom always wanted to have a big wedding for you. A small wedding would sadden her". We agreed and within two weeks we arranged a wedding for 148 people at the Shell Bank Jewish Center, hired a caterer and a band, Ilana found a wedding dress and had all of her fittings within a one week period and we called all of our guests.

The wedding day had come. It was a beautiful August day. Ilana was waiting for her parents to pick her up. They lived a block away. She waited. Fifteen minutes went by, then another fifteen. After forty five minutes she tried to call her parents to find out where they were but the phone went unanswered. They were an hour late and Ilana was starting to panic. A car service driver was waiting in the driveway for his fare and started a conversation with Ilana. After hearing her concerns he said he would stay and drive her if they didn't show up. They came a few minutes later. When Ilana asked her father why they didn't answer the phone, he stated that Meri didn't want her to know that they were running late.

Back on track, I am at the Jewish Center when Ilana arrives. Her mother yelled at me to look away as seeing the bride before the wedding is bad luck and she ran Ilana into the bridal chamber like a Secret Service Officer protecting the President of the United States. After a half an hour, the Rabbi calls me into the bridal chamber to verify that Ilana is the person I am supposed to marry before she put down the veil. This custom comes from the biblical story of Jacob being snookered into marrying the wrong sister. Ilana's mom didn't realize that the Rabbi had invited me in and jumped in front of me and was about to kick my butt out of the room but was intercepted by the Rabbi who assured her that it was alright. The Rabbi then had me sign the marriage contract, the Katubah, which I had discussed in a previous blog.

The wedding ceremony was now about to begin. As Ilana, beautiful and well-coifed, entered the room to walk down the aisle.  Due to the swiftness of the wedding preparations there was a sudden hush as everyone expected her to be extremely pregnant and ready to drop.  When they saw that she was flat bellied there was a collective "Whew" and Ilana continued down the aisle. The Rabbi referred to her as Eileen, Elaine, Elona, Yolanda, and Ellen during the next twenty minutes. After getting through a massive giggle fit (everyone thought she was trembling in fear) we were pronounced Husband and Wife.

Next the reception began and all of our guests were awaiting the grand entrance of the newest happily wed couple and the band leader announced "Let's give a great big hand for... Ilana and Robert!"

Robert! Where in the hell did he get Robert from! Somewhere there is an announcement in a newspaper of the Elaine Kushner and Robert Levine wedding. The food was terrible (the Jewish center insisted we use their glatt kosher caterer), the band was off key but until the birth of my kids that was the best day of my life.

The next day we headed off to Cape Cod. We had reservations at the Windjammer Inn.  The brochure showed that it was a beautiful inn along the beach. A perfect haven for honeymooners. When we made the reservations they had informed us that the main inn was solidly booked but they had rooms at their romantic and modern annex.

Due to heavy rains the trip took longer than we had expected and we decided to eat in a restaurant called Lobster in the Rough before we reached the inn. The server orally went through the menu explaining in a very heavy New England accent the difference between the Cull with no claw, the Claw with one claw and the Haul with two claws. After going through the whole page Ilana looked at her and said "Huh?" To the untrained ear cull, haul and claw sounded like " the awl with and awl, the awl with one awl and the awl with two awl". After repeating the second time Ilana looked at her, hesitated a moment and said "Huh"? The server was somewhat taken aback and I, who can communicate in New Englandese, decided to place the order for two hauls with two claws for all which sounded like "Two awls with two awls for awl".

I also noticed quahogs on the menu. Admitting that I was not acquainted with that term I asked the server what they were and she said they were baked clams. Oddly enough they were sold individually. I ordered six. The server was dumbfounded, attempted a smile and wrote down the order and walked off shaking her head.

Baked clams in Brooklyn usually come six or eight to the order and they all fit very nicely on a 10 inch plate. What the server did not make clear to me was that quahogs are actually chowder clams that have a diameter of six inches and are piled about four inches high with chopped clams and breading. The order was brought out on three large plates. The other patrons were wide eyed with wonder as how we were going to eat all of them.

Yes, I ate all six.

After I had finished the quahogs the server brought out the lobsters. Ilana had never ordered a whole lobster previously, only broiled tails that were already split. These lobsters were served boiled and unsplit. Ilana puzzled over how to attack the lobster and tried stabbing it with a fork. I must regress somewhat. Instead of individual tables the restaurant had tables arranged in rows of four to six across. As Ilana tried stabbing the lobster with a predetermined force calculated to go through the shell, the lobster slid out from under her fork and ended up across the row of tables and finally stopped next to another couple. Nonchalantly I had walked over, apologized and retrieved the lobster.

Once we checked in at the inn's main building we proceeded two blocks to the modern, romantic annex. The annex was previously a small motel that was last redecorated and furnished in 1940. It had a black and white TV, two well worn single beds and a sofa sleeper. The only channel we could get on the TV was showing a B horror movie called Shock Waves.

We shared one single bed that night. In the morning we had received a wake up call. On the first ring I started to get up and looked down at my sleeping bride. On the second ring, Ilana startled and jumped up smashing the top of her head into my eye. We started to get dressed and Ilana went to the bathroom. All of a sudden, I hear Ilana start to scream. As I ran into the bathroom. Ilana was on the toilet bowl surrounded by hundreds of baby spiders hanging on strands of webbing. With great aplomb I rescued her from a horrendous fate and carried her to safety. Actually I didn't carry her but it makes a better damsel in distress story.

We found that the Sheraton in Hyannis had a vacancy and we checked out of the Windjammer and checked into a small suite with a king size bed, a love seat and a mechanical fireplace. The rates were pretty much the same as the Windjammer and the hotel manager learning that we were on our honeymoon and of our ordeal apologized that he couldn't do more for us and had a basket of fruits and a bottle of champagne waiting for us. We had tickets to see Dionne Warwick at the Melody Tent in Hyannis. Aside from the Melody Tent being ridiculously overcrowded with no knee room, Dionne sang only three songs and spent twenty minutes transfixed on a spider hanging from a strand of webbing over the stage. I believe that she was psychically trying to befriend and communicate with it.

The rest of our honeymoon went without a hitch, which is a contradiction as you can't get married without getting hitched. We visit Cape Cod quite often, however much has changed. The Sheraton and Windjammer are no longer there but the Melody Tent is where we left it and right next door is the Paddock Restaurant where we ate our first king crab legs.

A year or two after we were married, my mother-in-law came to us and said, "Out of curiosity, I know that you always wanted a small wedding, so why did you change your mind?"  Ilana informed her that she had the larger wedding because that was what Meri said that she (her mother) wanted for her. Her mom said "No. I thought the small wedding was a wonderful idea. Meri came to me and said you really wanted a big wedding". To this day Meri would not admit that she engineered this. We love you Meri, everything worked out fine and we will always have great memories and laughs of our wedding day and our honeymoon and the Nazi zombies.

The Marriage Contract

When a Jewish man and woman get married they enter into a pre-nuptial marriage contract. This contract is called a Katubah. Being that the Katubah that I had signed is in Hebrew and I do not speak, read or write in Hebrew, I have no idea what kind of contract I had entered into. Ilana does have a knowledge of Hebrew, winked to her mother and had a look on her face that I would assume the devil would have when he got hold of your soul.

When we were married I had no idea that I would have to sign this document. I had asked the Rabbi what I was signing and he just laughed. I turned around and looked into the faces of everyone who was present when I had signed it and they had all whispered to each other and laughed as well.

Thirty years have passed since I had tied the knot and signed the document. To this day I have not found a translation of the Katubah but I can say that from the knowledge that I have amassed over the past thirty years I believe I know most, if not all of the rules and regulations I had agreed to.

The first thing Ilana said to me after I signed the contract was "What is mine is mine. What is yours is mine". This is most likely the first paragraph and the premise of the Katubah. The next item on the Katubah is that the wife gets to spend an obscene amount of money by buying mezuzahs for every door way in the house. For anyone who does not know what a mezuzah is, it is a small decorative holder that contains a hand written parchment scroll reciting a prayer to protect your home. The holder can be a cheap piece of plastic to an expensive piece of artwork. The mezuzah is then nailed to the doorway at an angle. Regardless of the holder, the parchment which is written by a certified scribe is quite expensive. Ironically, the only room that doesn't have a mezuzah in the doorway is the bathroom and that is the room where I need the most amount of luck. Instead of a mezuzah, I must count on prunes and laxatives to have a meaningful, religious experience.

The Katubah to my understanding also states that it is the husband's responsibility to go into the backyard each weekend and pick up about five pounds of dog droppings. Every second weekend I am obligated to mow the lawn. The Katubah is not one sided, it also spells out the obligations of the wife. The wife does laundry every Sunday with the exception of towels. Laundry is a complicated process and must be done just so. Towels are the only exception. Any idiot can do towels so that is why it is relegated to the husband.

Ilana has made laundry into an art form. When she finishes it smells springtime fresh and is soft and fluffy. Ilana divides the wash into eight separate loads. Work clothes; blues, green and grays; jeans; reds and purples; white underwear; color underwear; delicates and Towels. Each different load has many different settings from sturdy to delicates, hot, warm, cold, combination of hot and cold; fast spin; long spin; rinse once, rinse twice; add softener or not; when to add bleach or not. The permutations are mind boggling. I for one do not wish to master this art. My idea of doing laundry is taking everything, shoving it all into the machine in one giant load, add soap and hit the on switch.

When you get through the washing process you now have to consider the drying process. Some clothes shrink in the dryer. Some melt. What gets hung to dry (aside from the husband after signing the Katubah)? Then comes the folding. Have you ever tried to fold a fitted sheet?  I read somewhere that Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein never mastered this. E=MC² actually was an attempt to quantify the laundry process but Albert Einstein changed his direction to understand the beginning of the universe which was  in his eyes a much simpler process.

One of the other  responsibilities that is delegated to the husband in the Katubah is doing the dishes, pots and pans after a meal. I am very good at this if I must say so myself and I take great pride in this task. On this evening I went into the kitchen and found all of the pots and pans clean and dried and all of the dishes placed into the dishwasher. This was a clear violation of my rights as spelled out in the Katubah. I had felt violated. I confronted Ilana and laid down the law. The law of the Katubah! I said in my best Tevye to Golde voice "I don't do the laundry and you do not do the pots and pans!"

All in all I believe that I have mastered my responsibilities that I had agreed to in the Katbbah. The Katubah actually is designed to protect the rights of the wife and is essentially a one sided document. Contractually or not, I gladly accept my responsibility as husband and seeing a smile on my wife's face is reward enough for me. The traditional alternative would be handing over four hundred zuz if she ever wanted to leave me. I have no idea what four hundred zuz is in today's dollars.